Owning One’s Personal Power

I’m thinking a lot lately about owning my own personal power and I realize that I’ve spent most of my life living in fear and abdicating my power when I came across any authority figure, and at the same time, with those I was in authority over, for a lot of years I probably wielded the same kind of power, although more gently and kindly I hope, because that heavy authoritarian patriarchal paradigm was all that I knew.  I’ve managed to get out from under it as far as my dealings with others whom I am in authority over, at least for the most part, and certainly I can recognize it when it happens now.

But as for owning my own power and not just shrinking away or trying to disappear when I’m faced with those with authority over me, I’ve got a very long way to go.  However, I’m making strides.  I’ve taken back more responsibility for myself by now cooking my meals.  I’ve had Sunshine Burgers for dinner for at least 2 weeks, but you know, that’s ok by me–I love them and I enjoy fixing them and with the chaos in my construction zone they work really well.  And I’m trying to do more for myself and not just freak out at the thought of, for instance, going to Thriftway and instead trying to get someone else to do that for me as again that is an abdication of my caring for myself.  So last night I made it through Thriftway and got my soy yogurt and my mushrooms without any problems.  This was huge for me!

And I’m noticing when people start deciding for me–telling me what I need to know and when I need to know it.  How can anyone else know what my needs are?  I’m the only one who can do that.  All my life people have tried to protect me and take care of me on various levels because they knew best.  As I say, on the flip side of that coin, I know I’ve done the same thing, and I’m heartily sorry for that.  In fact, no one should be taking that power from anyone.  I know what I need to know to take care of myself and my family.  Having others make the decisions for me is an acknowledgement that I can’t take care of myself.  But I can take care of myself, even when I’m scared and timid and acting like Piglet.  I need to follow Piglet’s lead and be brave even when I’m scared and not be so quick to hand off my power to others because it is easier, or less threatening, or because I think they will like me better, or any of the other myriad reasons I’ve given myself for shrinking away.  I need to work on making my voice heard, to myself as well as others, in a respectful, honest, heartfelt way, speaking my truth without judgement or blame, but just letting my voice be heard.  I’ve actually been practicing that lately in situations where I feel safe, especially over the last couple weeks, and I shall work at continuing that pattern, asking for what I need, be it information or whatever, and speaking from my heart so that I can own my own power for the first time in 65 years!

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